living in mediocrity

So 20 some years later, what have I learned and who am I? I’ve accepted to live in mediocrity. Thinking back to high school and college, I prided myself on being slightly above average in everything. Rather than wanting to be really good at something, I was content with being alright with everything. It began with schoolwork, but it has permeated to all facets of my life: sports, relationships, work, hobbies. My work ethic and will to go the extra mile are all but shot. I go by the mantra of doing as minimal actual work as possible to get by.  However, my ambition is a lot greater than how my mind and body act. My ambition is in conflict with how I act day to day, which causes me to be depressed at how I’m not amounting to anything. Well, I’m fucking sick of it. It is time that my body and mind catch up with my ambition.

My manager is a cunt

My manager is a bitch that doesn’t know how to manage people. She’s a useless cunt, and that’s why noone wants to fuck her. Next time, don’t take out your period out on me you fake ass hoe.

Forced passion

I’m a pretty ambitious person. Or I’d like to think I am. But in actuality, I’m the definition of all talk and no work. I came to realize that I’m just not that passionate about undertaking these side ventures that I dream will bring me riches. And then I bring myself down by my inaction. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling optmistic, to feeling like it’ll never happen.

Ultimately, I can’t feel forced or pressured to take on something that I’m not totally committed or passionate about. Otherwise, I will always feel depressed if things don’t happen the way I imagine it should. This will also allow me to find what I’m truly passionate about, and be able to dedicate my time for that.

Spark up a fat one… errr maybe not

I fucked up and started smoking again, and now I’m full-blown back to being a raging addict. I now remember why I loved smoking so much, and why I hated it so much. I love feeling like a drug addict, and being able to freely indulge in something that gives me instant pleasure. The problem lies that I cannot control my impulse to smoke. I need it constantly and its been starting to take precedence over work, relationships, and my well-being. The cons definitely outweigh the pros and it is imperative that I once again quit, but this time for good.

Sick ol work

I’ve pretty much lost all motivation to work since I came back from my trip. I’ve been caught up in this fantasy that I’ll somehow be able to work for myself. Yet, I also have no motivation to do anything to reach this goal. I’m starting to come to the realization that I’m just a lazy, alcoholic, coach potato fucker. I need to just grab my cajones and thrust them, but not today. I’m too tired and I’ve had a couple to drink.

Turning a new leaf

I suddenly felt inspired to write in this blog after my long hiatus. Lot of things have changed since I last wrote. I’m getting some ass, and am in a psuedo healthy relationship! Yeah-yeah! I’ve been feeling on top of the world for the past couple of weeks, but it started creeping up again… the panic, the anxiety, the fear. I started getting really fucking anxious about this and about fucking that. But then I had somewhat of a revelation. I was so compelled that I felt like writing it down. I’ve been so focused on the present, that I don’t look at the big picture. I concentrate on each individual project, but fail to think about the future of the product. Upper management doesn’t give a fuck about the dev work that’s going on. They want to get excited about the ideal of the product. Same thing can be applied to life. I live for the now, and am not concerned about the future as much as I should be. Now that I’ve addressed the problem, I must now work on resolving these issues.

been awhiles

Been awhiles since I’ve updated this blog. It must have been awhile since I’ve felt this low. I’m starting to think that I may actually be slightly bipolar. I go through periods where I feel normal, periods where I feel manic, and dark times where I feel lower than low. A lot of my anxiety revolves around my job. I’m worried that I’m not working hard enough, not motivated or proactive, and not getting to know people. I feel like I can’t concentrate, or think logically. Time like these, I wish time would just fast forward to where I would inevitably climb out of my slump. I feel like crawling in a hole where it’s warm, and I am shielded from the harsh environment. And now I’m just rambling, incoherently like a crazy person. Days like these are when I’m sitting in a meeting just unable to concentrate on what’s being said. My coworker seems to not have any of the anxiety or anal retentiveness as I do and his life seems significantly better. He’s not concerned with taking time to work out or nap if he doesn’t have any work, but he gives it his all when he does have work. On the otherhand, I pretend to look busy while half-assing my work. And then I am riddled with fear that my peers think I’m not doing a good job. And then I begin to doubt myself, and think that perhaps I am just a shitty employee or that I just have bad people skills. And then I begin to reflect on how I’ve never really had a gf, or had sex in ages, and how nothing ever goes my way.  And then crazy thoughts creep into my head like how dying doesn’t really seem all that bad. But then a day or week pass by, and I begin to enjoy life again. It’s a vicious cycle or not doing shit and feeling shitty to not doing shit and feeling alright. I don’t know what I want from my life, but this isn’t it. I feel that the answer would be to just work for myself, but I am so lazy and indecisive that I’m not sure if I could ever do that. It’s funny that somehow this lazy kid got handed a profile, stressful job.

I know I have the drive, the smarts, and the will to succeed. I just have no idea what’s been holding me back. There’s just something inside me that wants to self-sabotage and wants me to fail. Could it be the inner child that wants to selfishly do nothing for himself? I want shit taken care for me, and shit to fall into my lap. But what I learned from Mark Cuban’s blog is that there’s no short cuts. He put in the time to read all those software manuals. He spent time reading books and magazines about business. He put in the effort to improve himself, but also had fun doing it. I can learn a lot from Cuban, and should take it upon myself to learn from his lessons.

why does it hurt so much!@!#!#

I told my coworker that I didn’t get any affection after a month from our first date, and he straight up said “She’s using you!” He’s absolutely right, but somehow I get it twisted in my head that it’s something wrong with me. That I’m doing something wrong. That I need to work harder. That I still have a chance. Fuck that. I need to drop a pair. I gave it a good shot. I can’t say that I didn’t try. I took her out three times, and the most I got was a hug. I called her more frequently then I’ve called any other girl, but have not gotten a phone call/text message. Something that I can work on next time is to be more affirmative when asking her out. I started off good, but then I started dropping the hints that I want to take her out and she never reciprocated. I have to just say hey lets go out on blah blah blah. I have learned and will not make the same mistake. I choose to not put girls on a pedestal, but that doesn’t mean that I should treat them like shit. Just means that above all else, I’m the most important person. I will never degrade myself lower than anyone. This doesn’t apply to just girls I like, but it applies to everyone.

it’s a thin line…

Like a light switch, I went from being infatuated to being repulsed. I finally got fed up with all her games, and now I can’t shake that feeling of total avoidance. The irony is that I get the feeling that she misses the attention that I was giving her, and is wondering where it went. It seems like when I like a girl it scares them off, but when I try to avoid her then they stick to me like glue. It’s kind of how I am as well. If a girl likes me, I immediately go into defensive. But when the girl doesn’t seem to like me, or give me attention, then I go nuts.

Now how can I improve my game with this new found knowledge? Using a poker analogy, I can’t show my hand before the pot was called. I feel that I inadvertently ran game against carebear quite well. I was friendly, funny, but I didn’t do back flips to hang out with her. In fact, I would often times reject any activity that she had planned. Perhaps this is how I should have approached tian. I should have asked her out to dinner, but just as friends. Talk frequently online, but only call sparsely. Ask her only to hang out with my friends and I, and encourage her to bring her female friends. Occasionally reject plans/activities to hang out with her. Eventually, if she’s interested, she will start calling and requesting solo activities. Once she’s hooked, it’s okay to reciprocate her actions. Now it is crucial to get out of the friend zone, and start showing affection. After you make her feel that she won you over, then it’s okay to reward her. But if you just give unconditional attention, then you’ll just be taken advantage of.

Major anxiety attack

I was at work just now and was feeling really low. I feel like I’m constantly battling against my much more well-liked contractor coworker. One of the popular managers told him that they all liked him, a lot. That stung cause I don’t think he would ever say that about me. That people liked me, and could depend on me. When things like that get in mind head, I just go into defensive mode and want to just hide somewhere. Not only that, but I lack the drive to get shit done fast. I always procrastinate perhaps because I feel overwhelmed by so many projects, or I don’t want to make any mistakes, or have to much anxiety to talk to people. I always look at people with a suspicious eye. That doesn’t mean that I think they’re out to do me harm, but I wonder if they think I’m annoying or shit like that. WTF is wrong with me. I go through swings like this, and they don’t seem to ever go away. I can’t keep living my life like this. I just feel down and I feel people feel down just looking at me, like they can just see it in my face how badly I just want to run away.

However, I really got nothing to lose and I got something to prove. I don’t need to act so serious all the time, or any time. Shit just ain’t that serious. I need to lighten up and start having fun at work. I can’t take things so personal. Just imagine if I worked with my good friends. Just imagine what that’d be like and transfer those feelings to work. I need to reach out more to people for help if needed, and not be so secretive. But I can’t just be playing around either. I got to prove to people that I can contribute, and that I’m someone that you can come to if you need help.

I really don’t know what’s my problem. Do I have mild bipolar? Is this just anxiety? Am I just tired? Is it due to alcoholism? I’m strong and resilient and know I can overcome many obstacles and reach my goals. I’ve done it before in the past and I know I can do it again.

Main take-aways:

1. Lighten up big time! Don’t be so serious!

2. Contribute. Get shit done fast and right away!

3. The Game. Practice socializing and getting people to like you!