Been awhiles since I’ve updated this blog. It must have been awhile since I’ve felt this low. I’m starting to think that I may actually be slightly bipolar. I go through periods where I feel normal, periods where I feel manic, and dark times where I feel lower than low. A lot of my anxiety revolves around my job. I’m worried that I’m not working hard enough, not motivated or proactive, and not getting to know people. I feel like I can’t concentrate, or think logically. Time like these, I wish time would just fast forward to where I would inevitably climb out of my slump. I feel like crawling in a hole where it’s warm, and I am shielded from the harsh environment. And now I’m just rambling, incoherently like a crazy person. Days like these are when I’m sitting in a meeting just unable to concentrate on what’s being said. My coworker seems to not have any of the anxiety or anal retentiveness as I do and his life seems significantly better. He’s not concerned with taking time to work out or nap if he doesn’t have any work, but he gives it his all when he does have work. On the otherhand, I pretend to look busy while half-assing my work. And then I am riddled with fear that my peers think I’m not doing a good job. And then I begin to doubt myself, and think that perhaps I am just a shitty employee or that I just have bad people skills. And then I begin to reflect on how I’ve never really had a gf, or had sex in ages, and how nothing ever goes my way. And then crazy thoughts creep into my head like how dying doesn’t really seem all that bad. But then a day or week pass by, and I begin to enjoy life again. It’s a vicious cycle or not doing shit and feeling shitty to not doing shit and feeling alright. I don’t know what I want from my life, but this isn’t it. I feel that the answer would be to just work for myself, but I am so lazy and indecisive that I’m not sure if I could ever do that. It’s funny that somehow this lazy kid got handed a profile, stressful job.
I know I have the drive, the smarts, and the will to succeed. I just have no idea what’s been holding me back. There’s just something inside me that wants to self-sabotage and wants me to fail. Could it be the inner child that wants to selfishly do nothing for himself? I want shit taken care for me, and shit to fall into my lap. But what I learned from Mark Cuban’s blog is that there’s no short cuts. He put in the time to read all those software manuals. He spent time reading books and magazines about business. He put in the effort to improve himself, but also had fun doing it. I can learn a lot from Cuban, and should take it upon myself to learn from his lessons.
